I started in therapy again. It took some real hard looking in the mirror and a phone call from a friend to actually take action on something I in silence and slight shame had been contemplating, rejecting, realising and postponing for about a year.
Later the same day, something came up and I was about to lock myself in an empty room to just deal with it myself, but I kept hearing my friend's voice. She mirrored something back to me that was impossible to ignore.
When I had hung up the phone a couple of days before, I thought:
“She is right, and I really appreciate friends who want the best for me and are willing to actually confront me with my shit and hold me accountable…My friends' opinions are the only opinions on my life that I really care for.
But I am not gonna do it”.
Silly me thought I could just ignore it after it had been said so explicitly. Lol.
So I bowed my head and dragged my ass there. The path was almost paved for me and I sat in that chair opposite my new therapist before the end of the week.
The first thing I told her was how big of a defeat this felt like. I had been in and out of therapy since I was 17 and stopped a couple of years ago because the system I was in only taught me to survive and not to thrive. That didn't resonate at all..
I took matters into my own hands, learned a million times that I am my own healer, that I am not dependent on the world around me to get to where I want to be and I have been healing more and thriving in ways more powerful than the system ever allowed me to dream of..
Sitting in that chair felt like admitting that I couldn't be my own healer, that the time I had spent was wasted and what I had healed was a lie.
She looked at me quietly and asked why I thought getting help from others took away that independence and healing I had found on my own. I told her that I felt like a hypocrite for believing and preaching something that I couldn't live up to.
“How can I help others if I can't even help myself?”
“You can help others exactly because you get help from them as well”
It landed immediately for me.
I can help others because I BELIEVE in the power of having support.
The power of a supportive friend that holds you accountable to your bullshit.
The power of a therapist that can help you move through the darker shit in a more graceful and faster way.
The power of an astrologer/spiritual being who can help others step into their magic.
I am still my own healer and can do everything I am getting help with alone.
But why do I have to always do it alone just because I can?
Why would anyone have to do it alone just because they can?
To prove a point the ego has twisted into a sick and lonely paradigm?
To affirm old stories that people will let us down or hinder us?
To toughen ourselves up, shove our vulnerability into a cave and become the last standing survivor?
Sounds pretty miserable.
I needed a reality check.
I had forgotten the power of community. The power of the mirror. The power of energy exchange.
And I needed to be reminded.
It has been months since this realisation, and it has allowed so much more ease and rapid healing into my life.
Allowing ourselves to be held by others and to fully RECEIVE is one of the hardest things we can do once we have realised our sovereignty. But it is also where we can experience healings that we ourselves didn't consciously create, and how powerful is that?